You may have encountered the phrases kink, fetish, or paraphilia in films, literature, or daily conversations.
People frequently have misconceptions or incorrect ideas about the meanings of those words or assume they always refer to something odd or abnormal (I had thought the same for a long time).
In reality, the truth is the opposite.
Human sexuality is varied or has diversity. We all experience desire differently. Some people like to explore or try new activities to enhance their pleasure.
This is called kink—a kink is any newfound pleasure.
Some people are extremely attracted to particular objects, materials, or body parts, which may become necessary to their excitement. These attractions are referred to as a fetish. Most kinks and fetishes are absolutely normal and harmless and are simply part of a person’s sexual expression.
However, in some situations, certain urges may lead to discomfort, interfere with daily life, or be non-consensual. When this happens, it may be classified as a paraphilic disorder.
To explain the difference between harmless sexual preferences and preferences that may need attention, mental health professionals often use the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition). The main difference for the DSM-5 is harm and distress; Is the interest creating personal distress, distressing relationships, or non-consensual activity? Psychology does not simply attempt to say someone is “wrong” for their interest.
What Are Kinks and Why Do People Have Them Bruh?
A kink is non-normative activity that heightens excitement/intensity in a romantic/sexual setting. Some might experience kinks as ways to intensify feelings of intimacy while for others it’s a way of exploring. Common kinks include BDSM (bondage, discipline, domination, and submission), role play, or even sensory play (e.g., blindfold play, feather play, different temperatures, etc.).
The process by which people develop kinks can differ, but a big part involves how the brain forms associations between pleasure and experiences.
When someone has an experience that they find pleasurable involving something new, the brain reinforces the experience by releasing pleasure/reward chemicals, primarily dopamine. Overtime, the association between the activity and the desire strengthens. You might not know this, but psychologists have various theories as to why individuals have kinks.
One such theory, proposed by Sigmund Freud, is that associations formed early in life are determinative of adult kinks/preferences. Notably, many psychologists now would agree that kinks develop for many reasons, some biological and some personal experience. The important takeaway: kinks are completely normal and only need to be justified if they cause stress or harm to an individual.
Fetishes: When Attraction Becomes Necessary for Arousal
Fetishes are similar to kinks, but they might be more oriented around an object, texture, or specific body part rather than a particular activity. In some cases, those with fetishes might find these features add a little bit of spice to an already exciting experience. But then, for others, these traits are absolute necessities for sexual arousal.
Some other examples could include:
- Foot fetishes, where someone finds pleasure in shoes or feet, or
- Latex and leather fetishes, where the feel and smell of the fabric adds to the attraction.
When talking about fetish objects, it may even include an object, such as stockings or gloves, or a particular matrix of fabric, based on their experience and the way their pleasure is wired in the brain. And while we are talking about the brain, there is evidence to suggest that fetishism can be developed through a classical conditioning process (a la Pavlov’s dog except sexier).
The premise is that someone has a significant pleasurable experience with an object, or stimulus, and their brain connects the stimulus to arousal going forward. Brain imaging has shown increased amygdala (emotion-processing) and dopamine activity in individuals with fetishes to the stimuli they experience fetishistically; their brain is lighting up in response to the object of their preference–similarly to the way your brain reacts to your romantic partner.
Just to clarify, fetishes are not weird, wrong, or bad—they’re very common, and many people might have one.
When Does a Sexual Interest Cross the Line?
Most kinks and fetishes are completely normal and don’t need treatment. Some kinks and fetishes are distressing, compulsive, or harmful.
Psychologists define problematic sexual interests as:
1. Causing distress – When someone feels guilt, shame, or anxiety about their urges.
2. Involves non-consensual activity – If the urge is to engage in acts that violate boundaries such as voyeurism (watching an unknowing person) or exhibitionism (exposing themselves in public).
3. Interferes with daily life – If a preference becomes an obsession, for example, work, relationships, or personal well-being.
If someone enjoys watching their partner with voyeuristic interest (with consent), it is not a disorder. If they act on their urge and spy on unknowing strangers, this may indicate Voyeuristic Disorder in the DSM-5. The major distinction regarding healthy expression vs disorder is consent and control.
Can Therapy “Fix” Kinks and Fetishes?
The notion that kinks or fetishes need to be “fixed” is an old concept. In the vast majority of instances, therapy is not about removing a person’s preferences, but working with a person to feel more comfortable and at peace with their sexuality and to express those interests in safe and ethical ways. For individuals who experience distress around their kinks or fetishes, therapy will be helpful by:
•Decreasing shame and self-judgment – understanding that these interests are more normative than not
Improving communication – helping people express their needs with their partners in healthy ways.
•Building self-acceptance – which will assist people to claim their desires without guilt.
That said, if a person’s sexual interest manifests itself in compulsive behavior or involves non-consensual urges, therapy may offer some skill development to assist that person in managing their behavior.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one therapeutic modality that will help a person alter thought patterns, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help individuals accept a desire and not act on it in morally harmful ways. The goal is not to suppress, but to reduce harm and control.
Acceptable until there is no Harm involved…
Human sexuality is multi-faceted, and there are a wide variety of “normal” expressions of desire. What one person finds compelling, another might not contemplate, and that is completely acceptable.
A sexual interest, if consensual, moral, and does not cause harm is simply a part of a person’s individual identity. The number one issue many individuals face is shame—messages from society that they internalize about their desires being “wrong” or “not normal.”
However, research shows that most kinks and fetishes do not cause harm and do not represent a mental illness.
In fact, certain paraphilias have been removed from the DSM-5 because having a not-so-common interest is different than having a disorder.
Rather than asking is it “right” or “wrong”, psychology simply asks: Is this consensual? Does it bring joy or pleasure without causing harm? Is it something I feel in control of? If the answers ‘yes,’ then there is no shame in it. Individuals who struggle with guilt or confusion about their interests often find a therapeutic setting to explore these feelings more objectively.
Here are some case studies and treatments.
Case Study 1: Learning to Accept a Fetish
Alex had always been embarrassed about his foot fetish. He was aware of it in high school, but never discussed with anyone, just assuming it was weird. As he got older, it became stressful to date. He didn’t want to be judged, and shame had begun to undermine his confidence and desire to date. Eventually, Alex took the step to see a therapist.
Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Alex learned that the fetish wasn’t the issue, but his negative thoughts about it were. The therapist helped him challenge thoughts like “I’m abnormal,” and replaced them with objective facts that foot fetishes are fairly common and harmless so long as there is consent involved.
Eventually, he was able to start accepting his fetish and even began to share his preferences with his partner. Instead of feeling ashamed, he learned that embracing his desires could lead to a healthier, more fulfilling sex life.
Case Study 2: Handling Mismatched Sexual Preferences in a Partnership
Emma and Jake had been married for five years when they reached a stalemate in their sexual relationship. Emma enjoyed sensations of power in the bedroom and Jake did not.
Initially, they put an effort into ignoring it, although as more time went by, Emma began to feel like she was missing something in the relationship and Jake began to feel like he was being pressured. As that happened, they began to drift apart.
Rather than let resentment build, they sought to see a sex therapist.
The sex therapist guided Emma and Jake into “Sensate Focus” Therapy, which allowed the couple to reconnect physically and emotionally without sexual expectations. The couple went through guided exercises and, through practice, learned how to communicate their interests to one another.
Slowly but surely, they began to find a middle ground; Jake became more comfortable letting go of the control, and Emma felt that she was being heard. Their relationship improved overall when they learned how to communicate their sexual desires, without expression, freedom, and without fear of backlash.
Case Study 3: When a Paraphilia Becomes a Problem
Mark had a secret—he couldn’t stop himself from watching strangers in private moments. At first, it started as curiosity, but over time, it became an uncontrollable urge. He even got caught and faced legal trouble. He felt ashamed and guilty, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop.
A forensic psychologist diagnosed him with Voyeuristic Disorder, which means his urges were not just a preference but a compulsive behavior that harmed others.
His therapy focused on CBT and Impulse Control Therapy, helping him recognize his triggers and develop healthier coping strategies. Instead of acting on his impulses, he learned ways to redirect his thoughts and manage his urges. Therapy didn’t erase his desires, but it helped him regain control over them, allowing him to move forward without hurting others—or himself.
Therapies That Address Kinks, Fetishes, and Paraphilias
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive behavioral therapy is an effective treatment for individuals who feel guilt, shame, or compulsive urges related to their sexual interests. It ultimately aims to challenge the associated negative thoughts and develop coping strategies that are healthier, controlled specific behaviors.
Sensate Focus Therapy
It can be beneficial to couples who have different sexual preferences. Sensate focuses encourages intimacy without pressure and ultimately helps partners reconnect emotionally and physically.
Impulse Control Therapy
This can be used if the sexual urges are compulsive and become interfering with ideas, behaviors and ability to function in life. Its purpose is to help the sexual urges become recognized triggers, so the person can commence a controlled strategy to learning self-control.
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)
ACT helps promote self-acceptance and, instead of fighting the feelings; make peace with those desires. In ACT, it is engaged in a way that is ethical, with personal values defined.
At the end of the day, what matters most isn’t what you’re into it’s how you handle it.
